The Beer Scooter
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased
out to the drunk by Bacchus, who has branched out since worship
of the Roman pantheon has waned.
It works like this :-
When the passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness, a 'slurring
gland' gives off a pheromone which Bacchus detects. He sends down
a winged beer scooter to scoop up passengers and deposit them in
their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion
of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates
the question after a night out, "How did I spend so much money?".
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible
for 90% of all UDI's (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will
be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the second post
night question "What happened?"
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction, sending the passenger
into the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus invested in a scooter
drive-thu chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's gardens and 'Thump A Lot Boots', designed in
such a way as that no matter how quietly you tip toe, you are sure
to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure
that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking
Guidance System) explains the ring marked shins.
The final add-in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).
This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Benson
& Hedges in a single night.
There's also an on-board heater, which allows you to get home from
the pub in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a T-shirt.