Pub Humour

Things you only do when your drunkā€¦

  • Ask for extra-hot chilli sauce on your kebab
  • Try and get off with your best mate's girlfriend
  • Piss in your girlfriend's cupboard/out the window/anywhere except in the bathroom.
  • Give a running commentary, out loud, on anything you do, even though you're alone (eg. ah'm gonna go into the kitschen, ah'm gonna get myshelf A beer, an' ah'm gonna drink it... thatsh whad am'm gonna do...etc.)
  • Get a tattoo/try to tattoo yourself
  • Use classy chat-up lines like: "You've got phemoninal...phemonim.....Great tits. Can I shag you?"
  • Fall down open manholes
  • Chuck up in the back of taxis
  • Climb onto the roof of bus shelters - to get a better view of the stars, Man
  • Pull a moonie
  • Think it's really funny to put all your female flatmate's underwear In the freezer compartment
  • Make "punch" out of half a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, and Some Strongbow
  • Drink it
  • Get thrown out of a nightclub for taking all your clothes off
  • Sing "Beers, beers, we want more beers, all the lads are cheerin', Get the fookin' beers in. Beers beers we want more beers" etc. To your Girlfriend's parents.
  • Dance as if you are John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
    And bump into things. And break them. And not give a flying f*** about it.
  • Make yourself a delicious snack of English mustard on stale white bread
  • Decide that the waste bin would look better on your head
  • Fall asleep on the stairs, with your trousers around your ankles
  • Decide to walk home, even though it's seven miles away
  • Fall asleep in a bus shelter
  • Fall asleep on the night bus and wake up at dawn, in the middle of nowhere, having had your shoes nicked
  • Fall asleep with a pint glass full of water on your chest, and only spill it when you wake up in the morning
  • Steal bottles of milk from doorsteps
  • Order the hottest curry on the menu
  • Ring up every woman in your address book at 2am and say, "Hi, I was just thinking about you. Maybe we should meet up. Now-ish..."
  • Attempt to shag any woman who shows a passing interest in you
  • Get into a fight with a taxi driver
  • Say, "You're my best mate, you are", to people you've just met
  • Decide that you and your ex-girlfriend really should be together
  • Join the French Foreign Legion
  • Make a bonfire of photos of your ex-girlfriend
  • Get really emotional, put on the most morose record in your collection and weep about nothing in particular
  • Dig out you photo albums, get even more emotional, ring up old friends who've moved abroad and tell them they're your best mate ever.
  • Attempt to phone the Pope, the Queen, the Whitehouse, etc
  • Make lots of inadvisable bets
  • Thank cash machines